I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
