i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
