I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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