that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize