I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
