If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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