Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
