guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
