my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
