I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
