You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
