I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize