so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
