I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
