You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize