I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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