apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
