Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize