Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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