Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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