she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
