can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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