you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
