life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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