I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
