She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
