drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
