Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
