Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
