I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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