he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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