I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
