If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
