my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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