Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
