Michael Bay diarrhea
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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