The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
