I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
