MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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