The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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