Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
