her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
