That's intense
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
