I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
