It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
