i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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