Kareoke will never be a sober sport
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
