my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You've changed since you got that strap on
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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