Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
