I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
