We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
