Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
