so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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