I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
