seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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