Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
