Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
false alarm. still invincible.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
