your parents love me but you hate me
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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