I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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